Confusing love

It is confusing living under the emotionless and stern. Every other day is  like a battlefield of attachments and resent. Your memory is trained with the lessons that tears is your worst enemy but there can be agreement for moments to cry, the highest expectations are always heavily waited on you, there’s a force of having automatic commonsense, being asked what’s wrong is not actual curiosity it’s the statement to fix your issues, and also most importantly respect is your master without hesitation. Sadly my actions are mapped out plan ,by those who has more authority over me, with what to do, and what not to do. Learning that I taught myself that my reign of terror will not be given to me in my parents household until I have my own. For now I suffer a roller coaster of endless drama, expectations, and attachment with constant confessions. Every action done to another of the same position as I am in, is counted as a lesson. I would never dare to put myself into that same person shoes for I would definitely suffer the same consequences. Warning to those now, if you are in emotional child under those without emotion or only some, prepare for the most drastic traveling you will have to endure . For every sad moment I saw for an American family, I compared the differences between them and my own. It made me realize every crying moment I had with my own family I was told that I was being weak and to fix myself. I was told that the world did not want to see my tears and that included them too out of the sake of my well being. Reality pushed me to believe that I couldn’t emotionally connect with my parents and I probably would have to face my own secrets myself. That’s exactly what I did. It made me want to develop more. I let the boundaries between my parents and I settle. They watched my every moves in schools and observed my needs/wants well. At certain times they made me feel that they were just born as adults, but of-course there’s always a reaction from a source. It got to a point where I questioned there concern for me in mid journey. Knowing that they suppressed my feelings enraged me. I wanted to curse them out for not letting me as their daughter to break down in front of them. I kept thinking, “what the hell is wrong with that?” or “They really can’t be that fucking shallow...” I ended up blowing up in front of one parent wondering why they didn’t care. Their response was so over the point that it made me give up. It was just a reminder of all they did, my success now, and what should happen. The topic that I wanted to discuss never was truly mentioned. So I let it go out of realization that there love was them preparing me for my success without words. The point to just figure my emotions on my own was fully set and I assured myself that things will not be easy at all. My emotional detachment from my parents forced me to be independent. Their push on my success tells me they love me, but in my head it still hurts. Instead of connecting with someone, that I felt from the image reflected in America, I gotten the harsh reality of difference. For most of my time I find it confusing, but I accept it for what it is, and learn to push my goals. If I have a child I’ll push their success like how my parents pushed mines, but I know that the connection between myself and my child will be stronger.